To float through life
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to live my life. It’s not like I’m thinking about it for the first time. It’s been a constant preoccupation of mine ever since I realised that life is really just what you make it. And perhaps there’s some comfort in the notion that nobody really knows what they’re doing. We’re all just trying to figure it out. But there’s also a sense that I don’t really want to live at all, at least not an ordinary life. I’d like to walk away and just live on the margins, gently drifting, floating through life. It’s a fantasy of course, to be detached and free, a wanderer. But then again writing and reading has been a way for me to stage this kind of existence for myself and to live differently. This is what I’ve always wanted: to live on my own terms, to be free, and -as much as possible- to be kind, caring, loving, sincere, and gentle towards those I cross paths with. I don’t know if it’s the best way to live, but it’s the only way I know how. As Spinoza put it: “give up the notion that you must be sure of what you are doing. Instead, surrender to what is real within you.”
Now I understand why I have two really good friends. You can talk to everyone, on the street, at the store, but what's really important usually doesn't come out often. I prefer to read and do things at home or go to museums. I do wish my father was still alive, because I'd like to discuss what I'm reading with him. But I find I don't spend a lot of time with people, unlike my husband, who has several very good friends with whom he does almost everything.
Love this fragments series.