La Rochefoucauld on Love

"Absence increases great loves..."

One of my favorite aphorisms about love comes from the French moralist François de La Rochefoucauld.

He writes:

“Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”

What he meant is that the best relationships are those that can deal with and survive periods of absence. In today’s terms we would call this a “long-distance” relationship.

It’s also an ironic counterpoint to the commonplace adage that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” What La Rochefoucauld was pointing out was that in some circumstances absence can actually ruin a relationship, especially if there are underlying issues. And so his basic argument is that we cannot romanticize long-distance relationships. Instead we have to see them as a kind of stress-test. It’s difficult to be apart, and so how you manage separation is crucial.

Like most aphorisms, it verges on the banal. But the image is a beautiful one nonetheless. Great romances are fueled by separation, not extinguished. And knowing that makes the reunion thus the sweeter for it.

This post goes out to anyone who is, or has been, in a long-distance relationship. This one is for you.

Julian

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